Don’t Give Yourself Away

At four o’clock one morning, Jane woke to smashing, banging, pure rage. A common occurrence. She never slept very well. She was always on high alert as her abuser rarely slept at all. In fact, she was always so relieved when finally, from time to time, he would pass out for a few hours through sheer exhaustion. 

It was a little like caring for a new-born baby with serious health issues. Jane already had one of those, one of her daughters, always in pain and screaming her lungs out as an infant.  

Jane accepted the pain that her abuser was in. It was well hidden from plain sight; he only savoured that pain for her and her girl’s. It was an unsettling pain, an ‘I don’t like myself’ pain, ‘actually, I loathe myself and because of that I'm going to spew that pain over you’ type of pain. Jane worked out over time that he really did hate himself but always played the victim, never taking responsibility for his actions; there was always someone or something else to blame. Oh yes, she spent the first few years supporting, listening, caring, playing the psychoanalyst-saviour role. She is such an empath; she truly believed if only she loved him more, gave him everything she had, he would recover and be a normal, loving husband. But Jane witnessed that he could put on the charm with everybody else – absolutely everybody, including his own family. She later worked out, on close inspection, that’s part of the behaviour, it's part of the control, but he bedazzled Jane with his charm, wit and lies and kept the mask on in other’s company.  

I want you to understand that there is never enough for them. They will take everything you’ve got and still be unhappy and want more. 

You are special, so wonderful, a gift like on Christmas morning with a sparkly colourful outer wrapping, waiting to be opened and admired and truly wanted. There is someone out there just waiting for you. There are people out there in the world that actually appreciate that gift. Yes, you can have this thing they call love. You don’t have to accept this as your path. You don’t deserve this. It's all waiting for you right now – hold my hand and I will show you how.

STEP 1

Do not accept this is your destiny.

STEP 2

Believe you are worth it.

STEP 3

Stop giving yourself away; save some for self-care.

Image Credit: Marina Vitale, Unsplash